You might have heard of the title Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance, an Inquiry into Values by Robert M. Pirsig. Today I am borrowing from his title in order to tell you about how 1) intimate relationships are paradoxical in that they require linear goal-oriented focus, as well as holistic, process-oriented awareness and connection; and 2) relationships require new energy and maintenance to prevent them from breaking down. This consists of maintaining and energizing the mechanics as well as the in-the-moment processes - both internally and externally.
The Metaphor and the Paradox:
In full disclosure, I haven't read Pirsig's book, even though it has been on my list for years. I was actually reading about it and was inspired to write this post. According to Wikipedia's synopsis of the book, Pirsig makes a philosophical point to illustrate that all of life is a dance between engaging in the "romantic" in-the-moment aspects of life, and also attending to the detail-oriented, rational analysis of the mechanical processes. The comparison between the two extremes is illustrated by one character who enjoys his new motorcycle and leaves it to professionals to maintain, and the protagonist who pays vigilant attention to all the details and meticulously maintains his older motorcycle. To stay with the metaphor - if one spends all their time analyzing, then they are not likely to enjoy the ride. On the other hand, someone with no idea how to maintain their vehicle or at least know the warning signs - will eventually get stuck.
The Mechanical System:
When I refer to "the mechanical system" of the relationship, I mean the observable behaviors and exchanges between two partners. I have often said that maintaining a relationship is in many ways similar to maintaining a vehicle. A closed system will eventually undergo entropy. That is, it will become disorganized, chaotic, and start breaking down. Your well-oiled, softly purring sedan, coupe, or motorcycle at the very least needs fuel to operate. Long term, it might be operating flawlessly for a while but then a few days or months down the line it can accelerate poorly, or veer to one side. Your relationship is also a kind of system. Your connection with your partner could feel excellent for years, and at one point or another will stagnate. That's because things wear and break down. New energy is needed to keep systems alive. When it comes to your relationship, there will be periods of smooth sailing, and there will be times when you need to use tools maintain the mechanics. These tools include those consciously or unconsciously passed down from generation to generation, or strategies that have been learned from books, classes, or therapy. Things like how you raise a concern or solve problems, when to say you are sorry, how you create emotional and physical intimacy, or how you divide up your responsibilities, are all examples of the mechanical system. Maintaining the mechanical system of your relationship can look like (among other things):
Maintaining shared meaningful experiences and rituals of connection
Updating each other as likes, dislikes, interests, and values evolve over time
Updating the roles each person plays in the daily routines
Making sure you have fun together
Learning together
Fine-tuning how you communicate and solve solvable problems
Re-balance the way you make and respond to bids for connection
Checking in that long term dreams overlap enough and/or are compatible
Couple's therapy
The "Zen" Process:
Attending to the mechanics alone is not enough and might not even be possible if one's inner world is too chaotic. When referring to "the 'Zen' process," I mean the in-the-moment present awareness as you relate to one another. You don't need to be any kind of expert or even a meditator. The goal here is to maintain just enough present awareness through the highs and lows in the relationship. If each person periodically makes sure that they are attuned with themselves and each other, then the mechanical processes flow more easily.
I will pose some questions to help illustrate some aspects of the "Zen" process: How distracted by your own thoughts or feelings are you when you and your partner are trying to connect? What are your attitudes and beliefs towards your partner as you listen to them speak? How much compassion do you have for your partner...and for yourself? How well do you understand what they need, and why? How much judgment or contempt do you have towards each other...and towards yourselves? Is there any inner-healing needed to better connect with your partner? How does your relationship fit into your worldview or spiritual life?
Strengthening your present awareness in the relationship can include:
Making time to explore your inner monologues by journaling and/or talking to a trusted friend
Self-help and other introspective books
Dreamwork
Psychotherapy
Paying attention to your automatic defensive tendencies, and adjusting as needed
Working through any of your own self-criticism, including shame
Cultivating an open and non-judging stance when listening to your partner
Processing your feelings and thoughts through creative expression (music, art, movement)
Practicing mindful compassion and positive regard for your partner
Couple's Therapy
Meditation
The Bottom Line:
In thinking again about the paradox, human beings are more than just mechanical processes. We are conscious living beings with experiences that go beyond the mechanical explanations. At the same time, we are constrained by mechanical processes. The way our brains work, the way we communicate, and our behaviors, all have physical limitations. The countless distractions of life easily pull us away from living in the moment if we are not taking time for self-reflection. The relationship will wilt unless it is nurtured. We have to pay attention to both the outer and inner aspects of the relationship. Occasional energy is needed for the maintenance of the way we do our relationship AND the way we are in relationship. If you can successfully maintain your relationship, then it will do something that only a living system can do…
❤️ IT WILL GROW ❤️
**P.S. Interested in couples therapy? Contact me for a free consultation. Want to learn what more about what makes a relationship work? Check my Wisdom Tree Institute for a free class!