Are You Really Feeling What You Think You Are? A Therapist’s Take

I probably ask people how they feel over a hundred times a week. More often than not, the answers I get tell me _how they think they should feel_ based on certain circumstances, but they don't phrase it that way. For example, if I ask someone how they feel when their partner criticizes them after they've raised a concern, the response might be: "It’s not right! Why should I have to feel like I did something wrong, when he’s the one who…" Another example: "I feel that it’s not fair and it makes me mad… I feel gaslit." Sound familiar?

I'm writing to tell you that neither of these are necessarily representations of feelings. They are interpretations of how we believe we should feel, based on our thoughts. One might think: "What he did isn’t right, it’s not just, it’s not fair; therefore, that would make me and anybody else feel mad."

You might be asking, "What’s the difference? There are feeling-words in these statements and thoughts."

The difference is that feelings are actually experienced in your body, and awareness of them has nothing to do with the cerebral thinking part of your brain. Sadly, I'm coming to the conclusion that with every passing year, fewer and fewer adults truly know what they feel. (Kids usually do, ironically, but the younger ones just haven't learned how to put language to it.) It’s a disheartening observation, but one I see regularly in my practice: many of us, as adults, have lost touch with the raw intuitive language of our own emotions. This probably has something to do with what Bill Plotkin writes about modern cultures being "patho-adolescent" – that is, we are pathologically stuck with a focus on reason, logic, and individualistic, goal-driven concerns. The problem here is that when people confuse thoughts / interpretations with actual feelings, this leads to disconnect and misunderstandings - of other people and within one’s self.

To truly feel, try this Simple Practice for Deeper Emotional Awareness:

1. Think of an event in your life, whether is it positive, negative, or confounding. (Or, for bonus points, just notice your current state)

2. Close your eyes.

3. Let go of any narrative or language that describes what is happening.

4. Take a minute here and just be in it.

5. While re-immersing yourself in the experience, notice your gut, your heart, your muscles, your breathing.

That’s how you feel. Now, and only after doing this, try to put words to explain the emotions you feel. Understanding and practicing this distinction is a crucial step in the well-being, and something we explore in psychotherapy.

So simple, yet the reason this is challenging is because feeling is more intuitive than it is thought out. In our culture, we've let go of any motivation to be our naturally intuitive selves. This is sensing – using our mid-brain to notice our bodies. All feelings are primarily a physiological response.

So, the next time somebody asks you how you feel, or you are just curious, you can probably dismiss your first response, which is likely more thought than feeling. Instead, go inside, sense, and notice.

First, use your body to sense.

Then, use your words to communicate.

I invite you to try this practice on your own, and share your insights in the comments for this post.